10 yeats and counting

.........

modern oldskool

I cannot say why old wrongs still sting,when the mode of injury
Resurfaces or nostalgia resurfaces.As I sat there I was so angry but
It was more at myself.
My life briefly flashed before me and the thoughts came rushing back,
I couldn't believe that at this stage,this age something like
That could still happen.
I however handled it differently.
But still,I didn't still like being there.
I hate that place of hopelessness.
They keep telling me to speak my mind but I dnt know thaty I can
It has been used so often against me that I always ask if its a
Trick.
Drugs!alcohol!they give respite when I caNnot sleep and when living
Gets hard.
Its old but it still inflicts fresh new pain.
Its modern,its oldskool,its the scars on my bruised old young
Heart.

to where from here

Even if I was to quit,what would I do next?interior design or fashion design?
All the words that are not being said.GEnius lies within,that much is true...

proof or the lack of it!

Today is my first day back and I can now understand exactly why I was so dreading it.grrrr I was tortured this morning
And I kinda dnt know how I feel,but I am not angry,quite far from it.
I do know however that something has gotta give.
I mean I did xactly wat I feared with my leave, nothing...technically.
I just lazed and didn't even watch enough tv.grrrrr!
I did however realise that I need to get on with my plan.God
Help me.

Noone quite like me

i have never in my twenty even years met anyone like me. I seem to be always be on the brink of some neurosis or the other.
I think the most frustrating thing in the world is not being able to be oneself.
But who am i ? u'll never know xoxo....no it isnt gossip girl! i dnt know myself but i do know i am a good person o.
i just want F to know and accept me for who i am, not what he might perceive me to be.
i feel guility when i call, i dnt like to take permission to do such, its quite unnatural if u ask me.

I need to consult but who?

26 and counting

Its wonderful how inspired i get(temporarily), when some people share ideas of what life should be, what assets one should invest in...blah.
I hate my job! What is the correlation? There is and there isnt! Arent i making sense? i find that is just the case. i only have time to think of what i should be doing when i have spare time from a job which has really added no value to my life(the job that is), it has nice pecks though, but its monotonous and like clockwork, once you get the hang of it.
Feeling nostalgic again, this is exactly how i felt when i was at WNT, the later days. It just sucked. Now i am 26 and counting and i am not finding that baz luhrmann song so funny anymore, i do not(i repeat)i do not want to end up at forty and wonder what i still want to do with my life.
i should sit down and order the steps and plans, or else come leave time, i might be running round like a headless chicken.
i have to revisit my beading exercise to ascertain wat went wrong otherwise.....i shall have the same result.
Fingers are aching already, so i must go.
i love you F! And am glad we are back, my are my very sweet heart.xxxxoxxo

cool cucumber

Something died inside me recently,or something was awakened, all i know is i want out of the existence that is us, the empty life we live, going through all the motions, my mother has yet to realise that i am not the person she once knew,if she evr knew me that is.

i am sick and tired of my siblings except one, they are of the most irritating sort always wanting you to be like this or like that.i am neither and will be me.

i have always craved a freedom that was hard to explain,free from what culture and society dictates are my obligations, obligations that do not respect my dream. i want to move out and not to where they have asked me to think about but out to out there, where i can do the design myself and do everything i very well please.


i have nothing to say to them most days and mama wonders how she reared such a cold blooded child. i too wonder ,as i was warm once but i find that they could never accept the real me, that at times should have been sent me to the psych for therapy, but trust my people, saying god forbid to what i am sure God sanctions as an outlet for my tortured soul.


i had often said that i was of the melancholic sort, given to reading and blessed with a talent most evident when i am swimming in the depths of despair. i assure you that even i ,am amazed when i resurface.
i am just tired!

i pause here for all the emotions or lack of that i feel here. They pray that someone might pinch me and maybe the once warm blood will heat up and flush away the ice that now resides within.